Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize