Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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