did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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