My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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