I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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