i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize