Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
