Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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