Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
