oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
