I wish my penis had an off switch
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
