Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
