The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Houston, we have a blender
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
