life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
