Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
