Im at strip club and am horny
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have feelings that need drinking.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
