Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
