My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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