she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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