Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
