I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They have beer where we have blood.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
