I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
