I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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