he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
did i just pee glitter
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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