Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
