so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
