Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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