I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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