saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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