Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
