thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
