Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
