I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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