I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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