She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
