we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
