I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
