We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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