low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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