I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
