you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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