Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
