My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
People in love make me want to vomit
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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