just come out here and I will go home with you...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
well, you know. whores of a feather.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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