my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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