Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
