is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
