My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
