i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's blow job season.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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