tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize