After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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