Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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