Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize