stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
