direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
