My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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