omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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