These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
