He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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