I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You're a waste of cheezeits
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
