she is the kim kardashian of front butts
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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