I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
