It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
