just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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